Slimy Fantasy and the Question.

Ramble-y.

2009-03-28T07:44:00.000-07:00

I wish, I wish, I wish.

Why do I wish so much? Even at a time when I KNOW everything is so beautifully perfect, I know I'm content and I know I have the right attitude and then comes along a day like this when all I can do is just wish for things. I keep wishing, I keep wishing. And then I think of what I'm wishing for and I know, I know that the only thing left for me to wish for is nothing. I have everything. I wish for nothing. But at the same time, I know I'm wishing. So what am I wishing for?

Noise, Noise, Noise. It all combines to make this delicious...noise.

I wonder.... why do I want, why do I desire, why do I wish when I know I have everything I could wish for? And then it dawns upon me.

I realise, my Wishing Noise, it's not very different from what I have. If what I'm wishing for is nothing, wouldn't that be the same as wishing for exactly what I have? I'm wishing for what I already have and that can show anyone how extraordinarily content I am. I have what I wish for. I have them and you and that and this and there's not a worry in the world and the reason I'm saying all this is... I find it funny that even the most content person I know can have something to wish for. Even when I can't be given the right to wish anymore, I do, because I need it. And that's the wonder of the wish. Even when I have the world, I need to be under the illusion that I still want more.

How very.... human.

If I couldn't wish, would I be as happy as I am?

Oobleck.

2008-07-13T23:46:00.000-07:00

So.

I've been away for quite some time now. Okay, that's such a HUGE understatement, I shouldn't have written it. But somehow.... it doesn't seem that long. I remember writing that last post like it was two minutes ago.

Why the hell does time fly by so fast?

I mean, seriously. Time is like a thousand times caffeine charged New Yorker - always in a hurry. I don't even get to see its face as it whizzes by, the least affected by millions of pleas to slow down. All it has on its mind is: "I've got to keep going. I can't wait for any man or woman or dog or butterfly. I've got to be a completely mysterious thing that no-one can understand. I've got to keep going."

Time confuses me. And sometimes I wish it didn't exist. Which, I know, is a stupid wish but come on....who has not wanted to stay in that one moment for the rest of their lives?
Actually, you know what?I'm not even going to attempt writing more about Time because it confuses me into frazzled-brain mode and I wouldn't be able to make any sense out of it no matter what I write.

All throughout the first term of tenth grade and this summer, I have not been able to sleep at night. No matter how sleepy I am, no matter how many sheep I count.... I can NOT sleep. This is because I've got too much on my mind, apparently. I don't know how to solve this, all I know is that it's friggin' annoying. I think too much, act very little. And these constant, annoying thoughts keep buzzing in my head and I'm just not able to swat them away. I try to calm myself down and empty my mind but there's always that faint flickering of a thought at the back of my mind that I can actually SEE when I close my eyes. And the worst part is, I could think of a million things about the world and his wife, but it all comes back to same bloody thought.

When school was going on, I thought I was going mad.

I don't know why, but I seem to want to act a lot more mature than I can handle. I don't want to annoy my parents with petty problems, I listen to them instead and I calm them down and never say a word about what's going on in my labyrinth of a mind. On top of that, my body's going bonkers. I get a sore throat every night and in the morning it's all fine. I get a headache every two weeks that lasts a day. Every day, a new muscle hurts somewhere. And on top of that, I always seem to have heartache. Not literally, but my heart is always aching for something. I can't really explain that feeling except with the word 'ache' so there it is.

All this is WAY beyond my maturity level.
I mean, I'm dealing with everyday teenage things which, in reality are extremely trivial. So, thinking that it happens to everyone and I shouldn't be given any special attention for it, I deal with it myself, often ignoring it rather than sorting it out, therefore gathering a lot of pent-up anger which can be quite frightening for the next person who annoys me just a little bit, as their heads are as good as not there in this case.

Maybe this is the reason for my insomnia. Maybe this is the reason for my confusion. Maybe I'll really go mad one day if I keep on like this.

But you know what? I kinda like it. I like the feeling of absolute confusion about everything. I like it that even though I think too much about things that aren't necessarily happy, I AM happy, believe it or not. And that confuses me further! It's like this vicious cycle and I'm addicted to it. I'm wondering if I'll actually be content if it comes to a point where everything's cool and sorted out and there's not a worry in the world.

I like the unrest in my weird little world. Do I hate that about me?

I have no bloody idea, but I'm gonna let Time tell me.

Rant #1 - Welcome to Change

2007-11-15T08:41:00.000-08:00

i am so sick of my blog.

it's not me, it doesn't show me. i feel like some auntie who's advising the whole world to do stuff that doesn't really need to be said. i'm afraid of what i'll write, i'm afraid of who'll read it. i probably will never admit it....oh well, i am now....but i am very conscious about what i write.

what the hell?

my blog isn't supposed to be about other people it's supposed to be about me. i don't care if this post has any grammatical errors and i'm not going to make any effort to capitalise anything because i'm so sick of it.

i hate it. i hate it i hate it i hate it.

i don't understand what i'm trying to do! no-one's finding out anything about me through this blog. i'm not showing off talent or anything like it. what the hell am i trying to do???

who cares about what a fourteen year old in some desert in the middle east is saying about life and it's little instructions? who would listen to a fourteen year old's instructions anyway? i'm not making any kind of impression on anyone other than the fact that i sound like a complete and utter bore and i don't know what to do with my life so i'm advising others on what to do with theirs.

what the hell is wrong with me?

how many stupid times have i said 'hell' till now?

there are ideas of mine that i don't write about, i don't say it out loud. i don't and it's stupid. i want the world to know my ideas, i want my opinion to be worth something. then why am i not doing anything about it?

why am i even blogging about blogging? what am i trying to achieve out of this? why can't i ever be happy with myself? what the hell is wrong with me????????????????

i can't answer these questions and neither can you. can you? i bet you a thousand chocolate ice creams you can't. not in two minutes at least. and i love ice cream but i don't want to get fatter than i already am so it's just as well if someone answers these questions and makes me lose the bet. besides, you can't have a bet with the world, it's stupid.

a bet with the world is just a bet with yourself, isn't it?

ech. i feel like starting over. and over and over.

but i can't think of any other way to write. i'm confused.

where am i going with this? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!!

there are feelings inside of myself that nobody knows about heck, i don't know about them. i guess that happens to everyone. but there are some days when everything just seems so distant and you don't know what you're doing and you're so spaced out. zoned out. whatever-ed out. you know what i mean.

and today was like that. i didn't know this from that. it's just as well it turned into that kind of day AFTER my History exam because....well, you know.

and the feeling part is bullshit. everyone has feelings. why should i be all special and say that my feelings are eating me up, i've lost myself, i don't know where to go or what to do, yada yada yada. don't get me wrong, i don't find anything wrong with other people saying it. its just i find it stupid for ME to say it. if i thought that way i'd pretty much feel like everyone else and i hate feeling like everyone else.

the truth is i don't WANT to be like everyone else. being like everyone else is boring and i hate it. i like hearing that i'm different, i like knowing that i'm different. and hey, i'm weird but everyone loves me so ha.

besides, "weird" is just something you've never seen or experienced before and it feels alien to you so you label it. it's stupid. OPEN UP YOUR MINDS PEOPLE! THE END OF THE WORLD IS NEAR! DELAY IT!

" Before you tell yourself it's just a different scene..
Remember it's just different from what you've seen"

but to tell you the truth i am not the sort of person who would destroy my life and do something i don't want to, to make the world a better place. because my single efforts are not going to change the world in a day and besides i want to live my life not the world's life. i am part of the world and i think we're doing pretty good. sure, there's global warming and terrorism and all that but do you really think there will ever be a dominance of good? come to think of it, will there ever be a dominance of bad?

i know my readers may think horrible things of me for saying that but it's the truth and i'm tired of this sham and showing what a sweet little girl i am. i want you people to know the truth and the truth is i do give a damn. but unless i'm given a damn about too, i'm not going to do anything about it.

but that's just it. people do give two hoots about me, maybe even three. i am very grateful for these people and truthfully i feel the luckiest person ever right now. yeah, that sounds cliched and all but the word cliched is cliched. and although being different is good, sometimes so are stereotypes.

this post may change your mind about me. i do care if it does. because i care about you, i care about what you think. i'm not going to deny it.

another thing. i wouldn't want to change the world because i want to touch people's lives, personally. if i can save one person's life and change it for the better, i'll think i'm going the right way. i have no idea if i've done it already but i really hope i do it again and again and again. i don't matter. people matter. to me. to the world. i only matter when i am made a part of that world. but to me, i'm just me. so to me, i don't matter. people matter.

don't get what i said about not wanting to change the world wrong. i do want to make a difference and whatever i end up doing or being, i'll always want things to be better in the world and i will do whatever i can to do help change stuff.

sometimes i want to be rich and famous, mostly rich so that i can help out, so that i can give my parents the option of the easy life when they're older. but sometimes i don't want to be rich to help out because i want to help individuals out. i actually have a lot of respect for Oprah Winfrey because even though she's so bloody rich and has a big name, she touches people on a personal level, she actually catches real individuals as they're falling and brings them to where they deserve to be. laugh all you want. i'm laughing at myself.

where have i come now?
what am i doing?
do i regret writing this post?

i don't know the answers to these questions. do you?

Writing, Writers, and Blocks That They Have

2007-10-07T09:40:00.000-07:00

Writer's Block.

Is it really such a bad thing? It scares all of us as we suppose we can't think of anything to write about. But if you really think about it, Writer's Block might just be a blessing.

We all have experienced that time when we have no idea what to write about and we start randomly rambling and feel very stupid. But the human mind is a wonderfully strange thing and it eventually finds you something to write about. And most of the time, these random ramblings turn out to be quite good.

So what am I doing now? Trying to randomly ramble? Maybe. I am aimless and I love this aimlessness.

There is a certain vanity in writing. Who do we create blogs for? Ourselves, of course. Now if you say that we create blogs to entertain other people and find our faults, again, it is a selfish motive. Which is absolutely fine. As there is a vanity in writing.

Who is a writer? Someone who must be confident of themselves. Otherwise, why would one publish books or publicly post their writings on the Internet if they did not have some kind of confidence in their writing?

But then what would I know of writers? Writing is one of those things that cannot be explained, something that everyone has an opinion about, but also something that everyone is clueless about. Like Love.

Love and Writing are very closely connected. And that's what makes it so wonderful. Everyone, through any kind of writing, can experience Love and it's quite simple and that is, again, what makes it so wonderful.

Writing not only allows us to portray our feelings, but also feelings that no-one around has felt before. It allows us to imagine Utopian eras or worlds of chaos, taking us away from the petty problems of Life. It is something that leaves a sense of fulfilment, no matter how good or bad you feel you have written.

Diaries. They can be of so many kinds. Diaries with accounts of the day, diaries with lyrics of songs, diaries with drawings, diaries with poems, diaries with stories, diaries with fantasies and dreams, diaries with dates and telephone numbers.... These also help to find that sense of fulfilment, no matter what has been scribbled, scrawled, written, typed or drawn in them.

Letters. Sure, we have the e-mail now. But writing a letter to someone, on paper, makes it even more exciting for so many reasons. You don't know when the other person will receive it, you don't know when you will get a reply, you appreciate the distance between the two of you even more as you wait in anticipation for your reply, the happiness you feel when you finally get a reply. Try writing a letter, sometime, rather than a quick e-mail. You'll notice the difference.

Writing is a wonderful thing, so cherish everything you write, and be sure to save it, so that you can read it again. And don't be ashamed of innocent kiddish writings, they are what made you improve in the first place.

And another thing, my absence for so long has not been the effect of writer's block, it was actually SHAME. I was ashamed of my writing skills, which I temporarily supposed I didn't have. Not anymore, though. And it only seemed fitting to come back with a post about Writing.

Change?

2007-06-17T09:13:00.000-07:00

"Change is the only thing that's constant in life" - some pessimistic-but-frustratingly-right person.

It is the only thing that is constant. Other than Love, but that's just there. It's not something that moves or goes away completely. It's not something that can.

But isn't change just the crappiest thing sometimes?

We move to different houses, we change the way our rooms look, we get siblings, we change schools, we make new friends, we grow up. But none of these, as far as I'm concerned, are anywhere close to how hard it is to say goodbye.

Sometimes I think, why do we make friends, why do we get attached to one another if we know we're going to be separated one day? And I always have the answer to it : without people, we wouldn't really be able to survive.

Without people, there would be no-one to love. Without people, there would be no-one to tell us where we're going wrong. Without people.....we wouldn't be people.

And that's exactly why it's so hard to say goodbye. Because it is those people that go away that made us real, living human beings.

So I'm going to try every possible way to say goodbye - just in case I wanted to say it some way and I wasn't able to and I realise that years later and regret it forever.

So, for Rhea......Goodbye. I'm going to miss you. Lots.

Nothing, less than nothing and a Frazillion words.

2007-06-06T05:36:00.001-07:00

So, once again, owing to the absolute laziness and blank-mindedness of Jozie, the world had been temporarily saved from some really useless posts.

And once again, she's back to make you groan.

Although I decided to write a post, I realised that I have a severe case of the most dreaded disease in the blogosphere......writer's block. And I'm in misery. But I figured, I'll just make a few pictures speak for me. Even though they say everything other than what I would like to.

I've always been interested in photography and I dare say, I'm pretty good too. So I'm going to share with you some of the best pictures I have taken till date.

Sandakphu

These are all for now....Hope you liked them, it's always nice to be appreciated. I spent a lot of time looking for these pictures so PLEASE COMMENT!

Which one's your favourite?

Crimes worth noting.

2007-04-17T08:27:00.000-07:00

And you thought that a developed country or city is perfect?

DUBAI - A giganormous theft in Wafi Mall on the 15th of April left the whole of Dubai shocked out of their wits. 50 million DOLLARS worth of jewellery was stolen from the Mall.

Largest jewel robbery (Belgium) - At the Antwerp Diamond center, Belgium, over the weekend of 15/16 February 2003, 123 of the 160 vaults were emptied, with an estimated loss of at least $100 million.

Largest robbery by a mugger (UK) - Treasury bills and certificates of deposit worth $435 million were stolen when a mugger attacked a money-broker's messenger in the city of London, UK, on May 2, 1990.

Largest drug seizures - On September 29, 1989 in Sylmar, California, USA, officers from the Drug Enforcement Administration seized 21,570 kg of cocaine. The largest heroin seizure took place in Bangkok, Thailand, on February 11, 1988 when officers seized 1,277 kg of heroin.

Think again.

PS: I'm really sorry, and I know this has nothing to do with the topic, but I just HAD to tell all of you. Pablo Picasso's full name is.....*drum roll please*.....
Pablo Diego Jose Francisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno de los Remedios Crispin Cipriano de la Santisma Trinidad Ruiz y Picasso.
I'll give you a minute to retrieve your breath.
He is also the most prolific painter. In a career that lasted 75 years, Picasso (I will refrain from typing his name out again) has produced about 13,500 painting and designs, 100,000 prints and engravings, 34,000 book illustrations, and 300 sculptures and ceramics.
Yeah, catch your breath again.

What would you .....?

2007-04-14T10:14:00.000-07:00

What would you do....

If you had to choose between your family and your dreams?
If you didn't know the extent of your abilities?
If you found out your whole life was a dream?
If you really liked someone and couldn't express your feelings?
If you realised you never really had a true friend your whole life?
If you found out that you were the problem all along?
If you were a victim of a natural disaster like so many people today?
If you were working so hard for success that you forgot who you were?
If you knew what you wanted to do, but couldn't?
If you met someone who had no Faith in mankind?
If one of your friends ran away from home and begged you to provide shelter for him?

Think about it.

Observations.

2007-04-13T08:02:00.000-07:00

I know this is a very late "new post", and this is certainly History repeating itself, but I have a totally reasonable explanation as to why I haven't updated my blog for more than a month. I was in Sandakphu! What's that? I was there only for 8 days, you say? Well, I needed to recover from the whole not-having-a-bath-for-eight-days thing. And also, my mind had blanked out. I had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to write about! And since the very commonly talked about things in the blogosphere had already been talked about, I didn't think I needed to express my views on a huge pile of already-expressed-views. Which is what I'm sort of doing now, but don't call me a hypocrite yet!

I have something to share with everyone who knows about my blog. It's something I wrote in my Commercial Applications class, when I was actually supposed to be studying about "an element of risk in business". I looked around, my mind having muffled the monotonous voice that was gradually beginning to sound like a lullaby. And what I got, was this.....

Pens scribbling furiously. Glasses being pushed up noses. Hair being tucked behind ears. Yawns being passed on. Arms being leaned on. Watches being glanced at. Brains tuning out. Pencils being sharpened. Unenthusiastic answers. Eyes widening in disbelief. Tongues being stuck out. Eyebrows being raised. Textbooks being closed. Blank minds and hiding faces. Arms being raised. Names being "exchanged".

It's only a sort paragraph, but if you imagine it after reading it, you'll be there. All of us have noticed this sleepy, slow moments in class that somehow seem so cliched. It seems like the whole world is going faster than we are. Everything seems to have frozen. Sounds don't seem to exist. It was some experience, and i just HAD to share it with everybody. I would suggest closing your eyes and imagining it all. You won't even need the words to see what's happening.

I showed it to a friend of mine. And she said "Random geniosity"

:D:D

Food For Thought.

2007-03-05T09:28:00.000-08:00

My Dad recently told me I have a country singer's voice. I was shocked (not disappointed, shocked, in a good way). He said that my voice is the kind that sounds better along with a strumming guitar rather than an orchestra or two in the background.

It gave me some food for thought.

So while I sat there chewing (excuse the pun), I remembered something a good friend told me once. I had asked that friend whether I knew him well. He replied that he didn't think he was the judge in that matter. Now I, being a firm believer in the thing-ama-bob, "People who think they know me better than me.... don't know anything", was a bit, you might say, unnerved by this response. So he told me that if he thought he knew himself well enough to judge, it would be a different matter. I smiled.

Many a time, we think that we are something that we have to be all the time. If you're a party animal, you can't stay quiet. If you're a quiet person, you cant get crazy.

Then, when someone comes and tells you that you're not the person you thought you are, it's quite a jolt. You can choose to take it in any way. Sure, we're the best judges of ourselves. But that doesn't mean we don't let our friends and family and people who care about us have a hand in making ourselves better people.

Sometimes you gotta let it go. Sometimes, you have to learn to learn from people other than you. Sometimes .... you have to think a bit before deciding how to react to people's comments about you.

A lot of times, though, people don't comment. But don't get all proud about it, you never know what reason they have for not telling you what they think of you. It happens very often that you know what you really are ... but people react to it differently. And it ends up in lots of nonsensical circumstances like misunderstanding and crying and suicide and what-not. So if people aren't commenting, there must be something wrong. Talk to them about it.

What I'm trying to say is don't think that you can live in isolation or not let anyone interfere in your life. That's not possible. You need to know what people think. Because sometimes, they're not out to get you. Sometimes .... they just might be right.

And I am so GLAD that I found out what kind of voice I have! Some people never find out. And I'm not one of them.

:D:D

Ickily, Limerickily yours!

2007-02-28T05:28:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I was bored. Yes, even before a Physics exam. So I searched for some limericks to lighten me up. And I also ended up getting some information on them.... Here goes...

Limericks - The History
Variants of the form of poetry referred to as Limerick poems can be traced back to the fourteenth century English history. Limericks were used in Nursery Rhymes and other poems for children. But as limericks were short, relatively easy to compose and bawdy or sexual in nature they were often repeated by beggars or the working classes in the British pubs and taverns of the fifteenth, sixteenth and seventh centuries. The poets who created these limericks were therefore often drunkards! Limericks were also referred to as dirty.

Where does the term 'Limerick' come from?
The word derives from the Irish town of Limerick. Apparently a pub song or tavern chorus based on the refrain "Will you come up to Limerick?" where, of course, such bawdy songs or 'Limericks' were sung.

Limericks - The form
Limericks consist of five anapaestic lines.
Lines 1, 2, and 5 of Limericks have seven to ten syllables and rhyme with one another.
Lines 3 and 4 of Limericks have five to seven syllables and also rhyme with each other.

Limericks - A Defence - Shakespeare even wrote Limericks!
Admittedly the content of Limericks can often verge on the indecent, the dirty, or even the obscene, but they make people laugh! Limericks are easy to remember! Limericks are short and no great talent is necessary to compose one - Limericks are a form of poetry that everyone feels happy to try (especially when inebriated!). Limericks as a form of poetry has survived the test of time dating back for centuries! And whilst the poetic and literary skills of Shakespeare are not necessary for the composition of a limerick the great Bard himself did in fact write limericks which can be found in two of his greatest plays - Othello and King Lear.

Limericks

There once was an old man of Esser,
Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser,
It at last grew so small
He knew nothing at all,
And now he's a college professor.

There once was a lady from Hyde,
Who ate a green apple and died,
While her lover lamented,
The apple fermented,
and made cider inside her inside.

A mouse in her room woke Miss Doud
Who was frightened and screamed very loud
Then a happy thought hit her
To scare off the critter
She sat up in bed and just meowed

There was a fat turkey named Sam,
Who gobbled whenever he ran.
He came out of the bush,
Presenting his tush,
And was shot up the arse by a man. (!!!!!)

There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
After the ride
She was inside,
And the smile was on the face of the tiger.

There once was a poet named Dan,
Who's poetry never would scan.
When told this was so,
He said, "Yes, I know"
"It's because I try to put every possible syllable into the very last line that I can" !!

I've been studying all night and I'm tired,
But I can't sleep because I'm so wired.
So I'll play on the net
'Stead of going to bed,
And my tests will seem a quagmire. (HAHAHAHA)

There was a young maid from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass;
Not rounded and pink,
As you probably think---
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass. (raised eyebrow)

There once was a lady named Lynn
Who was so uncommonly thin,
that when she assayed
to drink lemonade,
she slipped through the straw and fell in!

A wonderful bird is the Pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belly can.
He can hold in his beak
Enough food for a week!
But I'll be darned if I know how the hellican?

There once was a young man of Trinity
Who found y^e root infinity.
But y^e digits
Gave him infinite fidgits,
So he dropped math and took up divinity.

There once was a fellow named Clyde
who went to a funeral and cried.
When asked who was dead,
he stammered and said
I don't know, I just came for the ride.

A canner exceedingly canny
One morning remarked to his granny
A canner can can
Anything that he can
But a canner can¹t can a can, can he?

okay..... I supose that's enough....hope you guys enjoyed reading these!

Thank you, WBCs!

2007-02-25T07:48:00.000-08:00

This post is to thank my White Blood Corpuscles.
I am immune to a lot of common 'diseases' that my friends normally are attacked by. And as I was studying Biology, I realised that if I have to be grateful for everything that I've got, why not start with my WBCs?
Thank you, WBCs, for protecting me and fighting the ghastly bacteria that threaten to eat my insides away.
And, of course, my platelets.:D:D
I think, with the innumerable times I've got cuts, I wouldn't be typing out these words if it weren't for my platelets. Thanks for clotting my blood and preventing me from bleeding to a gory death.

I think it's a good thing that something like Biology has inspired me to write. So I guess it wasn't a waste of time after all.

Yes, Bio has gotten to me. Don't be shocked if I start thanking Electricity for being there, before my Physics exam. Nuh-uh.

:D:D:D I hope you all are thanking your WBCs and other things too. Charity starts at Home, and your body is the Home of your soul. So be good to your body, it'll be good to you!:D:D:D

signing out....Jozie

Fill in the blank

2007-02-25T03:16:00.000-08:00

I'm confused. VERY confused.
A lot of things are going on in my mind and I don't think they should right before a Biology exam.... Just taking a break and for some reason i didn't feel like writing it down in my Diary (how confused i am, i mean) and i don't even care about the fact that my "i"s aren't in block. It's just this weird feeling.... and it's not even nervousness or exam fever, i wouldn't even consider this feeling to be of pre-exam fright. To clear out your minds, it's not a feeling of "Love" for anybody. it's more of an uncomfortable feeling, and it's actually making me feel lethargic and also making me mix up my "i"s with my "e"s.
I don't have butterflies, i don't feel itchy all over, I don't have nausea(even if i do, i never puke), i haven't lost my peripheral(sp?) vision.....so i don't really think it's anything medical. SO WHAT THE HELL IS IT!?!?!?!?!
Ugh! i don't even know why i'm writing this...and i'm not even feeling negative....in fact, i'm very positive that the tricuspid valves are in the right side of the Heart(er....?).
it has already been ten minutes and all i've written is this. reviewing the day, there seems to be nothing that bothered me or stirred up emotions or thoughts of any kind, except, of course, my French paper which was in fact extremely good and all the thoughts it brought about were drowsy ones.
i just realised i'm not even....ugh, i'm too tired to explain..
Wait...THAT'S IT!!

I'm sleepy.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!

P.S.: to all my friends who read through this, i apologise for putting you through so much agony at the end of this post. Trust me, your pain did NOT exceed mine. And another thing, the lameness of this post was not intentional, i just thought i'd write it down, surprisingly not in my Diary, but on my blog, and i think it helped, i know that i'm zzzzzzzzzz......

Random Thinking

2007-02-20T02:33:00.000-08:00

This is only a random post about anything that pops into my mind.

"Dearest, Sweetest, Darkest, Most challenging and Most Memorable Memories,
I am sorry I haven't paid a visit to you lately. I shall, once I have the time. You hold all of my life."

Every passing second is but a memory. I have realised that they, whether Good or Bad, make us relive the times that are unforgettable. Good memories are cherished forever, and that's what I love about them. Bad memories always, inevitably, teach us something new. And that's what I love about them.

I am not a perfectionist. In fact, I'm miles away from it. Don't get me wrong, I love being imperfect. It gives me the feeling that I am still Human. Every time I do something perfectly, I never actually get overwhelmed by it.

Why? Why should we be perfect? Why is it that, if we are considered 'social butterflies', as we call them, we can't miss a party or remain quiet or alone for a while without getting showered by What-happened-to-you-s? Why is it that we have to hide it if we like something everyone else hates? Why do we say we're independent in thinking and yet do only what others think right? Why do we care what people around us would think if we laugh out loud? WHY .. WHY .. WHY!?!

Today, was the last PE class of Eighth Grade, of Middle School, and, for the people who chose the Science stream, THE LAST REAL PE CLASS OF THEIR LIFE! While most of us enjoyed it to the fullest, there were people moping about, sitting, crying and generally not thinking about what they were going to miss. We were at the Volleyball court playing Throw ball. Of course, there are people who can't throw the ball to save their life, but they played all the same. Yet, there were a group of people who were sitting down and watching everyone else. When asked why they were doing so, they said it was embarrassing for them to play because they played so badly.

WHY?????

Situations are only embarrassing if YOU think they are. YOU might think that people laugh at you, but friends tease each other, right? It's plain, simple fun. I remember once we were having Lunch and we were seated in the Swimming Pool area. Just as I finished, I sneezed and the leg of my chair broke. Everyone had a plain view of me and started laughing. I was not embarrassed. What hurt me was that my friends sat there and laughed at me, and did not ask whether I was hurt (physically, that is). But no, I was NOT embarrassed. Because I chose not to think of it as embarrassing.

What I'm trying to say is, don't think your Life depends on what other people think. Because it doesn't. You know what it depends on.

Thanks. To those who got through the whole rant. And the "Memories" part was just a what-do-you-call-it.

:D:D

PS: I have a 'memory box'. It's where I keep all the material things that are heavy in memories. It has a distinct smell, and I call it 'The smell of passing time".

Never Again...

2007-02-20T02:21:00.000-08:00

Ahem.
Sorry. About the last post, I mean. Any of you who know me must know that I get like that sometimes. Okay, a lot of times. I just....don't do it that often now.

To Nishant, you'll never hear that from me again. To Rhea.....you're right, it does suck the most when one criticizes oneself. And no, I won't let a bad day stifle my creativity. Again, that is.

Thanks. You know who.

Jozieeeeeeeeee

I HATE.......

2007-02-19T02:26:00.000-08:00

I hate myself.
Oh, and, I hate everything around me. And everyone.. And I swear this is NOT, I repeat, NOTNOTNOT to get any kinda bullshit sympathy out of anyone.

I don't know if any of you have ever felt that way. But if you intend to read on then you'd get to know. I don't think my reason would be justified though.

The truth is, my dreams are shattered. What I wanted to be, what I thought I was good at, every single thing that I told myself I could do..... it's all just...gone. I don't even think I ever knew who I really am.

I kept thinking I'm a very passionate writer. I realise now that that's all bullshit. I can't write any better than my teddy bear can. Everyone writes better than I do, and I now realise it. I thought I had a flair for words, but it turns out I can't make 'type' and 'hype' rhyme. I thought....I was creative. But I'm the most dull person you can meet.

I kept thinking I could sing well. Sure, I needed practice, but I still thought I had the talent. But that also, was wrong. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG...... and everyone knows that, courtesy my effed-up performance on C-Day.

I kept thinking I could dance well. But who wants to see a big blob of nothing jumping around? Not me. Not you. Not anybody.

I kept thinking I was a good photographer. But if you'd seen the pictures I've taken, you would make a mental note to snatch the camera out of my hands every time you saw me with one.

I know you guys might think I'm over-reacting, or you might say I don't realise that everyone has bad days. Answer this.... How can you say that when everyday that I can remember getting a prize, was ALWAYS a bad day? I mess up EVERY BLOODY DAY!

I can't cope with my uselessness. I don't even know why I have a blog anymore. I should just forget about it and click that little button....'DELETE BLOG'. Wish I could delete myself. I really do feel like the error that the Almighty, who never makes a mistake, finally made.

Feel free to comment, but honestly, I don't see how it matters anymore. You guys' criticism will just confirm my absolute nothingness.

Whatever.

I Don't Think It's Love

2007-02-18T03:27:00.000-08:00

This is a poem I wrote at 10:00 pm on the 13th of February. It was written for....all you people out there who can relate to the poem. I'm sorry it's late, but....okay, I don't have an excuse. Here I go.

I'm bumping my head on my bed
every morning,
I forget to brush my teeth.
I'm singing in the shower
and slipping on mats,
I play with my food, I don't eat.
I'm still knocking down glasses,
when I get a feeling in my gut
I know I'm thinking about only one person
But i don't think it's Love.

I try climbing trees and always fall down
and yet I'm giggling away.
I don't see why I'm happy,
neither do others,
But I have a smile on my face all day.
I'm still dropping books on the floor
when I get this feeling in my gut
I know only one name crosses my mind,
But i don't think it's Love.

The ones who care, think I'm hiding something.
The ones who don't, think the same.
Don't get me wrong, the rest of you.
I'm not playing some sort of game.
I may be hugging teddy bears,
I may be drawing hearts,
I may be dancing ballet on the streets,
But...I don't think it's Love.

What is it then, you ask me.
To tell you the truth,
I'm not really sure.
I know it's a feeling,
a deep feling,
right from my very core.
It may be Happiness.
Maybe I don't care
I may just be growing up.
Whatever it is,
it's making me feel grand.
But i don't think it's Love.

Tell me how you guys like it, I'm open to criticism and, of course, compliments. But i want to let you all know that it's basically the idea i want to give out. Hope you all had a good 'V Day' and I hope you know you don't need to wait for it to come to love someone. OR to declare your Love.

Chikki, Tanvi, Cutie pie!

2007-02-11T09:41:00.000-08:00

My cousin, Tanvi, or Chikki, as we call her, is the cutest thing i have ever seen. No, really. I don't know whether it's true for you guys out there, but seeing her picture you can't help but admit that she has got a smile to die for.

She came here, with her mom, who is my Masi (My mom's sister), on the 23rd of December 2006. A truly historic event in my life. I can happily say that the happiest day of my life was when Chikki was born. And she was finally here! I could finally coochie coo her in my arms!
My family and I, in Dubai, have watched her grow up from nothing in her mom's tummy, to the beautiful one-year-old she is now. And on web cam, too. So imagine what joy she spread as soon as she entered our house.

The first thing i noticed about her were her eyes. These beautiful star-like eyes, i came to know later, were the first thing that anyone noticed about her. And of course.....the smile. When she smiled, she managed to get anyone in the gloomiest possible mood smiling.

From the very first morning of their visit, i realised that i was to be woken up by Chikki lightly hitting my head and then finally toppling over it(my head, i mean) and then staying in that position till i woke up. This was a fantastic way to start my day. No sarcasm, i swear. After she had woken everybody up, she'd run around the house in her squeaky shoes. She took her first step in Dubai, and i will never forget that. It was on the second day of their visit.

The thing i remember most about her was that she'd always try to look cute when anyone reprimanded her for some naughty thing that she had done. For example, if she'd spilt something on the floor and we'd yell "Chi-ikki-i!!", giving her name four syllables, she'd look at you innocently and smile a very guilty but cute smile...you know the type. And that always worked.

She LOVED Red Bull. I am not kidding. She caught me drinking it one day and she snatched the can away from me. She took a glug(i have NO idea how) and gave me a dazzling smile. I just stared at her in disbelief. She also had a hip flask, which she carried around everywhere. Makes you wonder what the next generation is coming to:P:P.
I miss her a lot. She illuminated the house with her laugh and brought the roof down with her cries. I look at pictures of her visit and i inevitably start crying. Take me to be a softy if you like, but she's my sister and i love her to death.

I wish she wouldn't grow up. She might not like me when she does. That's my only fear. Oh well, I'll have fun with her while i can.

Tubelightish or not?

2007-02-11T07:59:00.000-08:00

I would think not.
For those of you who care, hullo and welcome to a particularly late "new post". I have not been able to write for a long time for reasons that will be clear after you read what I am going to write on my "Blog Post Writing Spree". I am, of course, going on this spree because I am bubbling over with things to write about. What needs a special mention, which is one of the reasons for this tubelightish behaviour of mine - actually the main reason- is the arrival and departure of my Aunt and Cousin. Those of you who notice such things, might have noticed a change in the way i'm writing. If you observant people have read P.G. Wodehouse, you'll know where i'm coming from. I am telling you, he's a comic genius.

And so the Blog Post Writing Spree begins.

Ooh, i felt i must warn you....please don't get too expectant about the frequency of my reports because i will only be able to write when i get to saturation point after studying each day. It'll be a getting-a-word-in-edgeways kind of thing.

What a gran opening to my Blog Post Writing Spree. Sniff.

Let's leave them boogie!

Children's Hearts

2006-12-13T09:09:00.000-08:00

A day in history that will remain fresh and vivid in the memory of all 12th graders in our school.
Yes, I am talking about today! The rest of us may have enjoyed it, I give you that. But for the 12th graders....it's the last Children's Day they celebrated with their school.
Yeah. I know what you're thinking. Leave it up to Juhi to make the end of such a gigantic BLAST of a day a really sad one. But I am NOT aiming to make you cry,no!
In fact i don't know what I'm aiming for. hehe. I am SO high.
The teachers.....what can I say about our teachers.....THEY'RE ABSOLUTELY CRAZY!!!
And that's EXACTLY what made this day so special. Crazy teachers of crazy students. We gelled today.

For Your Information: Mr. Rodericks today.....was really high! if none of you noticed....i think he just stole each show he was in, away. Props to you sir. You're a kid at Heart.

I cannot believe one thing. Fine, i may have got the permanent title of "BIKER CHICK" from now on....but i can't believe i forgot my Santa hat!!!
To all the people who weren't as stupid as me....you're the "bees knees" guys(lame, i know, but hey...give the drunk Biker Chick a break, will ya?).

It was certainly a great thing to note. Christmas and Children's Day celebrated on the same day. Of course that doesn't mean I'm taking down my Christmas tree. It just means it was the best celebration of Christmas we had. Er, actually, we've never actually celebrated Christmas before in school, but you get my point.....right?

WHY IN THE WORLD DIDN'T THE GIRLS HAVE THE BALLS TO DANCE?????????????????? ???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Pah!

"Oh, I wish i was a Punk rocker, with flowers in my hair!!"

Snap back to reality.

The Music Fest.....that's certainly something i SHOULD talk about.
The Indie-Pop section was great! It was really good to see our friends up there actually get a chance to sing the popular tunes of......hey wait. I'm not gonna say "Bollywood" because it just sounds like Hollywood with a "B"(:P:P). Indian Film Industry, i shall call it. I think everyone did a great job.
Great props to Rupal, i know, you know, they know, we ALL know that she's a really good singer. But i guess these things happen. We definitely haven't forgotten that she's a fabulous singer just because of technical problems. She had a good spirit afterwards as well.....GO RUPAL!

Western ....ooooohhhhh boy. I guess you all know, I sung on stage today. Solo. Not an Easy task. Nuh-uh. It takes balls(Yeah Anish, i got them too.... :P:P). But i would say.....that was a truly enriching experience. I wasn't a bit nervous, i didn't even sing to win. I just liked being on stage and singing. Oh, i might not have sung very well. But whatever!
Okay, can those people who thought KURT IS THE CUTEST THING ALIVE pleeeeaaasseee raise their hands? I know my Death is near for saying that, but i think he is!!!
KUDOS TO YOU KURT! Man, that guy can sing! He is the sweetest, cutest Elvis alive. And i am proud of him. Really.

Oh, by the way, just because i said Kurt was the cutest Elvis, i am NOT going to rule out Tejas.....who i think is the second cutest Elvis! GO TEJAS!
Tejas....special thanks to you, sincerely, from me. You were a great help and i think without your help I'd have been really nervous and i would have screwed up more than i already had. And that would have sucked. You're the greatest, man. And just so you know....I didn't sing for anybody! No, not even the Non-Existent boyfriend! Oh yeah, and you ROCKED MAN!! Nice to know, we both sung love songs. Hehe.

GuitarBoy. He will always be my favourite. I LOVE his attitude towards his guitar. I think everyone agrees with me when I say that I think he could learn anything on that guitar without needing to practice. Of course, he would know the real story. Maybe such a wonder does exist.
Ali rocked. No, really. HE ROCKED!

Malpani...PEACE BRO! I would have liked to see you wear your sister's kurta on stage....that's like a challenge. Harry's right, there's nothing you can't do. You rock and you will never stop rocking!

Harrrryyy! I think our stage wants him....it's seems to have this "force" that can't keep him off the stage. Or maybe it's his love for....anything! You were great! and Congrats!
And yes. I KNOW I HAVE AWESOME BOOTS! THANKS HARRY! BIKER CHICK WON'T FORGET YOU FOR SAYING THAT!!

Shelina and Shayan....you guys are the greatest no matter what. No-one can top you when it comes to passion for the instrument. You will always rock in our minds and hearts!

I like the fact that no-one felt bad about not winning. But i think everyone was a winner tonight, in their own way. For many, more than one way. It was a truly great day filled with truly great people.

KUDOS TO EVERYONE!

P.S: Yes, i am still drunk at 22:42 pm. It's been....14 hours now. That's a loooonnngggg time to be drunk!

Let's leave us Boogie!

Loneliness...

2006-12-08T08:00:00.000-08:00

the shadows seem to have taken over
my Life,
my Time,
my Eternity.
I can't do anything to push them away
out of my Life,
my Time,
my Eternity.
It's too dark to see and my eyes are begging for light.
there is a long way to go, hundreds of miles, perhaps
and a minefield of obstacles in my way.

It could be easier,
I think to myself.
If you just let go, not caring
about the world,
your Dreams
your Passions
your....Life.
if you let go,
the Pain would escape.

But my heart doesn't believe my mind.
My heart beats.
It says there is a blinding light at the end.
And never will i want to stray from it,
and i won't!
My heart says to me
that it believes in me.
It says to me
that i can touch the sky,
if i believed in myself as well.

I am now left in the path of Confusion.

The endless controversy in my mind.
The endless questioning
from my heart to my mind,
my mind to my heart.
It's wearing me out.
I don't know how much longer it will take me
to go insane.
But....we shall see.

The shadows seem to have taken over
my Life,
my Time,
my Eternity.
And Loneliness is my only friend.
I have to choose the path i think is right...
my Mind....
or my Heart

And Loneliness is my only friend.

a thousand words....or less

2006-12-07T09:33:00.001-08:00

A thousand words are meant to describe a picture. Or, as the saying goes, "A picture is worth a thousand words". i would like to point out that we, being only human, often don't recognise the real hero. The camera which took the picture in the first place.
Without that camera, you would have no way of remembering all thousand words that rush into your mind when you look at that picture, that saves so many memories.
I know that anyone who watches the sunset at the beach who happens to have forgotten their camera...would always think "i wish i had my camera". Because a sunset is one thing you definitely can't describe in words as beautifully as actually seeing it does.
I, personally, carry my camera everywhere but school and never lend it to anyone. People might think of me as a "meanie"....but there's just something about giving my camera over to someone else that i am very uncomfortable with.
I may get many other cameras. I may. But never will Gold ever turn to stone. My camera is my Gold.

My camera is my true friend.

No ribbons, words will do

2006-12-07T09:24:00.000-08:00

This. This is my blog. Surprisingly so, too. I've never actually been very interested in blogging....very interested in reading blogs though. I always spent about two hours everyday after school going through blogs. Oh, i know what came into my head that urged me to creat this blog. Nothing. Zilch. Nada. Yet, i think i ought to give it a go.
For those who do NOT know, it's called "jozed" because Jozie is my nickname.
And for those who still don't get it.....once you decide you like my game(??)....Congrats, you've been"Jozed"!!!

Let's leave us Boogie.